When it comes to working & playing well with others, some of the best tools you can have in your personal tool kit are the abilities to validate others and give an effective and meaningful apology.
As we move through this life, each of us has encountered situations where we find ourselves in conflict with others. Many times we may hold our position (or grudge) out of principle or stubbornness.
Our position may be correct (or mostly correct). However it is possible to be correct…and still damage or lose a relationship.
Do you want to win the battle only to lose the war?
As part of my ongoing efforts to learn how to work & play well with others…..I stumbled onto the power of validation & apology.
I learned the hard way that relationships (in my personal life and work life) are not about being right or wrong.
Instead, relationships are about all the space in between.
If you are concerned about “truth,”…well, the truth seems to take care of itself. It has a way of eventually surfacing and coming to light – regardless of what we say or do.
I have found that one of the most effective ways to get through an impasse is the phrase: “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should have _________. And, in the future I will _______.”
(You can save the “yes, but…” follow-up statements for another time)
The simple validation & apology formula is capable if diffusing a lot of sticky situations.
When there is a strong emotionally based conflict, your adversary is probably not listening to logic…nor do they care about logic or your truth. They simply need to hear some form of validation of their point-of-view.
The validation of their position or point-of-view has a magical way of diffusing the emotions of the situation.
Once that is done….in the future, you can move forward because they will be receptive to having a more meaningful (and effective) discussion or negotiation.
How do you give a meaningful apology?
There are excellent examples in the media, thanks to the missteps of celebrities and politicians, on how to give poor apologies (i.e. I’m sorry I got caught) and how to give excellent apologies.
The author, Beverly Engle, has written several books and articles on the power of apology and came up with a very simple recipe: regret, responsibility & remedy.
- Regret: statement of regret for having caused the hurt or damage
While your intention may not have been to cause harm, you recognize that your action or inaction nevertheless did hurt this person. This regret needs to be communicated. This includes an expression of empathy with an acknowledgement of the injustice you caused.
- Responsibility: an acceptance of responsibility for your actions
This means not blaming anyone else and not making excuses for what you did. For an apology to be effective it must be clear that you are accepting total responsibility for your action or inaction. Therefore, your apology needs to include a statement of responsibility.
- Remedy: a statement of willingness to remedy the situation
While you can't undo the past, you can repair the harm you caused. Therefore, a meaningful apology needs to include a statement in which you offer restitution, or a promise to take action so that you will not repeat the behavior.
Unless all three of these elements are present, the other person will sense that something is missing in your apology and he or she may feel shortchanged.
Once that is done….it is possible to move forward and have more meaningful and effective discussions or negotiations.
Reference
Engle, B (2002). The Power of Apology: How to give and receive an apology. And it's worth it, on both ends. Psychology Today Magazine. Retrieved February 11, 2009, http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20020802-000027.html
As we move through this life, each of us has encountered situations where we find ourselves in conflict with others. Many times we may hold our position (or grudge) out of principle or stubbornness.
Our position may be correct (or mostly correct). However it is possible to be correct…and still damage or lose a relationship.
Do you want to win the battle only to lose the war?
As part of my ongoing efforts to learn how to work & play well with others…..I stumbled onto the power of validation & apology.
I learned the hard way that relationships (in my personal life and work life) are not about being right or wrong.
Instead, relationships are about all the space in between.
If you are concerned about “truth,”…well, the truth seems to take care of itself. It has a way of eventually surfacing and coming to light – regardless of what we say or do.
I have found that one of the most effective ways to get through an impasse is the phrase: “You’re right. I’m sorry. I should have _________. And, in the future I will _______.”
(You can save the “yes, but…” follow-up statements for another time)
The simple validation & apology formula is capable if diffusing a lot of sticky situations.
When there is a strong emotionally based conflict, your adversary is probably not listening to logic…nor do they care about logic or your truth. They simply need to hear some form of validation of their point-of-view.
The validation of their position or point-of-view has a magical way of diffusing the emotions of the situation.
Once that is done….in the future, you can move forward because they will be receptive to having a more meaningful (and effective) discussion or negotiation.
How do you give a meaningful apology?
There are excellent examples in the media, thanks to the missteps of celebrities and politicians, on how to give poor apologies (i.e. I’m sorry I got caught) and how to give excellent apologies.
The author, Beverly Engle, has written several books and articles on the power of apology and came up with a very simple recipe: regret, responsibility & remedy.
- Regret: statement of regret for having caused the hurt or damage
While your intention may not have been to cause harm, you recognize that your action or inaction nevertheless did hurt this person. This regret needs to be communicated. This includes an expression of empathy with an acknowledgement of the injustice you caused.
- Responsibility: an acceptance of responsibility for your actions
This means not blaming anyone else and not making excuses for what you did. For an apology to be effective it must be clear that you are accepting total responsibility for your action or inaction. Therefore, your apology needs to include a statement of responsibility.
- Remedy: a statement of willingness to remedy the situation
While you can't undo the past, you can repair the harm you caused. Therefore, a meaningful apology needs to include a statement in which you offer restitution, or a promise to take action so that you will not repeat the behavior.
Unless all three of these elements are present, the other person will sense that something is missing in your apology and he or she may feel shortchanged.
Once that is done….it is possible to move forward and have more meaningful and effective discussions or negotiations.
Reference
Engle, B (2002). The Power of Apology: How to give and receive an apology. And it's worth it, on both ends. Psychology Today Magazine. Retrieved February 11, 2009, http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20020802-000027.html
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